Well you can't get to heaven |
And Pharoah's daughter a-spied him there
A-playing with his teddy bear
And when I die don't bury me at all
Just pickle my bones in alcohol
Well you can't get to heaven on roller skates
You'd slip right by them
Pearly Gates
Well you can't get to heaven in your girlfriend's bra
Cause your
girlfriends bra don't stretch that far
Well you can't get to heaven on a plate of glass
Cause a plate of glass
gonna cut your leg
Well you can't get to heaven, in Norman's boat,
Cause Norman's boat won't
even float.
Well you can't get to heaven on the SAR
Cause the SAR don't go that far
Well you can't get to heaven on the SAL
Cause the SAL goes straight to
Hell
Well you can't get to heaven in a limousine,
Cause the Lord don't sell no
gasoline.
Well you can't get to heaven on Richard's bike,
Cause you'll get halfway,
then you'll have to hike.
Well you can't get to heaven in a supersonic jet,
Cause the Lord ain't
got no runways yet.
Well you can't get to heaven in Mike's car
Cause Mike's car stops at
every bar
Well you can't get to heaven with a bottle of gin
Cause St Peter don't
let them spirits in
Well you can't get to heaven in a Ford Coupe
Cause the angels all drive
Chevrolet
Well you can't get to heaven in Ivor's pants,
Cause Ivor's pants are full
of ants.
Well you can't get to heaven, on water skis,
Cause the angels don't like
hairy knees.
Oh you can't get to heaven with powder and paint,
'cos it makes you look
like what you ain't.
Oh you can't get to heaven in a strapless gown,
'cos a strapless gown
thing might fall right down.
Oh you can't chew tobacco on the golden shore,
'cos the Lord don't have
no cuspidor.
Oh you can't get to heaven in a biscuit tin
'cos the bottom falls out and
the top falls in.
Oh you'll never get to heaven in dirty jeans
'cos the Lord ain't got no
washing machines
Oh you'll never get to heaven on a ping-pong ball
'cos a ping-pong ball
is far too small.
Oh I want to go to heaven, and I want to do it right,
So I'll go up to
heaven all dressed in white.
Oh one fine day, and it won't be long,
You'll look for me, and I'll be
gone.
And if you get to heaven before I do
Just drill a hole and pull me
through
But if I get to heaven before you do
I'll drill a hole and spit on you.
Well if I get to heaven, before you do.
I'll plug that hole, with
shavings and glue.
That's all there is, there is no more
St Peter said, as he shut the door
Oh there's one more thing I forgot to tell,
If you don't go to heaven, you'll go to...bed